Laura Wolford In Bed with Eva
Cripping Up Sex: Today on In Bed with Eva we are talking to Laura Wolford!
Cripping Up Sex: Tell us your name, pronouns, and a bit about what you do!
Laura Wolford: Hello! I'm Laura Wolford, and my pronouns are she/her/hers. I'm a speech therapist and sex educator. I've recently created a website, theLanguageforSex.com to teach speech therapists how to talk about sex, intimacy, and consent with their clients.
Cripping Up Sex: That's so awesome and so important! How did you get into this work?
Laura Wolford: Haha it's kind of an odd story. About 5 years ago, I was at a friend’s birthday party. An acquaintance approached me and told me her husband had had a stroke. He had communication changes that were affecting every facet of his life, their biggest challenge was how the communication difficulties impacted their intimate life. She wanted to know if I had any recommendations.
Laura Wolford: I thought – maybe a psychologist? A sex therapist? But no – if the problem was related to the communication disorder, they needed a communication specialist. I realized that the proper referral would be a speech therapist… and actually, it would be someone like me. Yet I had no idea how to tackle the issue.
Laura Wolford: So I started reading! And taking classes. And talking to other rehabilitation professionals. So honestly I became a sex educator because I was horrified that I’d neglected this topic for so long and with so many clients. And honestly – it’s taken years for me to feel competent in addressing intimacy and sexuality. There isn’t exactly a ton of mentorship out there.
Laura Wolford: Anyway that's the mentorship I hope to provide to other speech therapists. So they have an easier path to helping their clients!
Cripping Up Sex: I absolutely agree. Disability and sexuality are not talked about ever in speech therapy and other spaces for disabled people. That's so amazing that you are doing this work!
Cripping Up Sex: When did you realize there was a need for open discussion in regards to sex with your speech therapy clients?
Laura Wolford: I think it really hit me the first time I got up the courage to actually ASK a client about how their communication impairment was affecting their intimate life. All this information came flooding out. I'd been working with her for WEEKS. I had had no idea.
Laura Wolford: That's when I realized it was important that I actually open up the conversation. I can't wait around for my client to make the first move!
Cripping Up Sex: Exactly
Cripping Up Sex: I remember when I was trying out an AAC* device, I definitely added the word “fuck” to it but I’m pretty privileged that I can spell and add words to whatever device I’m using. How can we make sure that everyone has the vocabulary to talk about sex?
[*for those who don't know an AAC device is high-tech technology for communication - Stephan Hawking used one]
Laura Wolford: Oh that's such a good question.
Laura Wolford: I worry sometimes that we speech therapists are in the business of gatekeeping language for our clients, whether we mean to or not. How many AAC devices have I helped program and that have not addressed sex at all? It's painful to think about.
Laura Wolford: I think the first step is awareness. The language for sex (haha hence the website name) is something a lot of people don't think about until their attention is drawn to it. And after that, I think we gatekeepers (speech therapists, parents, caregivers, teachers, other medical professionals...) need to really square off with our internalized discomfort. It's not okay. And it's not okay to thrust onto anyone else.
Laura Wolford: Sex is just another facet of life. We need to talk about it with the same sort of openness.
Cripping Up Sex: I completely agree!
Cripping Up Sex: For clients who have Intellectual disabilities or limited communication skills, how do you go about talking with those clients about sex?
Laura Wolford: I think it's important to do it in little bits over time, just like anything else. Sex is the one area where we tend to have "the talk" once or twice, then it's over. But it's a huge topic! Breaking it apart into bite-size chunks and incorporating it into conversation helps to normalize it.
Cripping Up Sex: That makes so much sense
Laura Wolford: It's important to think of all the facets of sex. Are we talking consent? Body parts? Masturbation, intercourse, and pleasure? How to flirt and engage in relationships? That's a ton of stuff?
Cripping Up Sex: Exactly!
Cripping Up Sex: What has your experience been like with explaining the importance of sexual vocabulary to the parents of your clients?
Laura Wolford: Explaining the importance of sexual vocabulary to parents is something that I struggle with a little bit because the easiest way to get immediate "buy-in" is to talk about safety. So it's really tempting to frame the conversation as one about preventing sexual abuse. But that's not in the best interest of my clients.
Laura Wolford: We also need vocabulary and discussion around consent and pleasure and interpersonal relationships - all that stuff that parents often don't really want to think about. That's the vocabulary that lets people actually access sex and intimacy.
Laura Wolford: I think I've seen this in every other "In Bed with Eva", and I know you're the biggest proponent of this, but to be another person who reiterates it - people with disabilities deserve access to their sexual selves.
Cripping Up Sex: Yeah. Parents have a hard time thinking about their kids being sexually active or dating, so I can definitely understand why this is a difficult topic to navigate between your clients and their parents.
Laura Wolford: Definitely.
Cripping Up Sex: Have you gotten any push back from the speech therapy community? If so, what happened?
Laura Wolford: Honestly, I've been surprised. I was expecting the biggest push-back to be, "This discussion is inappropriate!" But what I've actually gotten is, "We don't have time to add another thing to our plates!"
Laura Wolford: Honestly I just think that's silly. We're all about promoting truly functional communication. What's more functional than intimacy?
Laura Wolford: So I'm just trying to take my own advice and give the community little bite-size bits of information they can incorporate into their practice.
Laura Wolford: Some people have been really great, though. I'm already getting clinicians telling me about how these discussions have changed their practice.
Cripping Up Sex: Do you think that mentality [“We don’t have time to add another thing to our plates”] is actually a cloaked way to say "this discussion is inappropriate" without actually saying it?
Laura Wolford: That's a really good point.
Laura Wolford: At the very least, it's a way of saying, "I don't value this topic", which is disheartening.
Cripping Up Sex: Yeah exactly. It is great that there are people out there changing their practice based on what your work through!
Cripping Up Sex: How has this focus changed your relationships with your clients?
Laura Wolford: It's made my relationships much deeper. You can't openly talk about sex and relationships without developing real trust with your clients.
Cripping Up Sex: I so understand that.
Laura Wolford: I have people open up to me about all sorts of stuff now. Random things. It's kind-of great.
Laura Wolford: It just makes my therapy much more functional.
Cripping Up Sex: That makes total sense!
Cripping Up Sex: Where do you want to see the Speech-Language Pathologist community go in terms of sex conversations?
Laura Wolford: I think the end game is infusing sex, intimacy, and consent into every facet of our work, from the evaluation interview to the day-to-day therapy session. For now, though, I think the first baby step is being willing to devote some time to learning about sex and how communication impacts it.
Cripping Up Sex: I always say communication is the most important part of any healthy relationship, sexual or otherwise, so if people don't have access to the language they need, they can’t properly communicate in those relationships.
Laura Wolford: Exactly!
Cripping Up Sex: Where would you like to see the disability community go in terms of sexual communication?
Laura Wolford: I love that there are people in the disability community like you who are talking about sex in an open and straight-forward manner. The work you're doing is amazing. I would say that I find a lot more discussion in the disability community about sexual mobility than I find about communication needs. I think we need to bring communication into the discussion more often.
Cripping Up Sex: That is an excellent point. You are the only person I've come across that is talking about sex and communication in this way. I have written only one article about it, so I too have work to do in this area. But it's so great you're here to start the conversation!
Laura Wolford: I LOVED your article. I have it bookmarked.
Cripping Up Sex: Aw that's awesome, thank you!! It has been such a pleasure chatting with you Laura, is there anything else you’d like our readers to know?
Laura Wolford: I think my last word is that talking about sex doesn't have to be scary. It's our own insecurities that make it so. If we can get past that, then the real work can begin!
Laura Wolford: Also I've loved being here and talking with you. Thank you. :)
Cripping Up Sex: Awesome words to end on!
Laura Wolford: Thank you, Eva. Truly. It's great to talk to you. I hope I wasn't too verbose.
Cripping Up Sex: Thank you for being here! I hope you have a great rest of your day!
Laura Wolford: You too!
laura.l.wolford@gmail.com
@thelanguageforsex
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